Can We Please Talk About Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper or YOU PLAYED YOURSELF.

Probably the most asked question this month was about WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON WITH BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA? So I am addressing it in the only way I know how: a ridiculous theory that I put way too much time and energy into.

Sunday night several glaciers melted all over the earth in what can only be described as Mother Earth's physical reaction to Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sing-nuzzling one another at the Dolby Theatre in front of the most attractive people on the planet. Only recently had Mother Earth stopped breathing heavily at their surprise performance at one of Lady Gaga's concerts, and I'm forced to conclude that they are actively accelerating climate change at this point.

The question on everyone's mind is: are they...like...together? The short answer to this is no. But because that seems to be an unsatisfactory answer, we're going on a deep dive.

First of all, we need to establish some history. Since the dawn of time, movies have lived and died by the power of their stars. Press tours, interviews, awards shows are all meant to make you take out your phone, buy two tickets on Fandango, and pay these people your money. Do you remember when Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence made that insane spaceship movie and we almost went to see it just because they had such adorable chemistry on the press tour (more about Jennifer Lawrence later because she plays into my theory)? Mr. and Mrs. Smith(okay fine they DID have a thing, but that WILL ALSO PLAY INTO MY THEORY IN A MINUTE)? We watch An Officer and A Gentleman because Debra Winger and Richard Gere hated each other off-screen, and we want to see that. You can even go back to the Hollywood machine of the 1930s, '40s, and '50s when studios would plant gossip or ghostwrite fluff pieces for the celebrity magazines that insinuated they were together or fighting: whatever would sell the most tickets. If you really want to double deep dive this, I recommend the podcast You Must Remember This or anything written by Anne Helen Peterson.

Now, Bradley Cooper famously has chemistry with almost all his co-stars. Bradley Cooper played a RACCOON and he STILL had chemistry with Chris Pratt. I think there is ELECTRICITY between Bradley Cooper and Jimmy Fallon in this video. To be fair, Bradley Cooper could have chemistry with a discontinued Live Laugh Love sign from a dumpster behind the HomeGoods, so of course he's going to have chemistry with Jennifer Lawrence and Lady Gaga. I have few marketable skills, but I do have a theater degree. Can I tell you how I assume this went as far as chemistry? Bradley Cooper went to his acting classes, and when it came time for him to learn how to act like you're in love with someone, he looked at all the things normals do when they are in love, he cranked that up to an 11, and then he just happened to have Bradley Cooper's face, specifically his eyes, jawline, and hairline. This is a man literally trained in the art of making you think he's in love with someone. He has actually won awards for this.

I'd like to address those of you who say: well maybe he's not in love with her but she's in love with him. Wrong. Lady Gaga wore a meat dress. A dress made of meat. She is above love (she's not really I'm being hyperbolic). She is an alien in the best way possible. Lady Gaga is an Enneagram 3 and as a fellow 3 I know that everything about her is a lie. She's also lying to you. Her life is a performance. They want you to believe they are in secretly in love while they made this movie so that you would buy a ticket with your girlfriends and scour every moment of film heretofore unnoticed clues to their clandestine romance. People.com wants you to believe they are secretly in love so that People.com can get advertisers. Is it the most charming charade? Yes. Is it insanely believable? Yes! These people have been nominated for gold awards because they made you believe they were in love during the movie! They want you to believe they are secretly in love because Bradley Cooper has to buy a new house for Irina after this, and maybe Lady Gaga wants a new meat dress or a whole wardrobe of meat clothes ONE CANNOT BE CERTAIN.

Now let's address you monsters who want to bring Brad and Angelina into this. It's a fair question, but I'm actually going to use it for ammunition. If you recall, as Brad and Angelina embarked on their press tour for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, what did they do? They ignored each other. They hid from the cameras. The actual opposite of Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. Look at these flagrant performers:

People who are secretly doing it do not act like this in public. They hide on private beaches. They clandestinely meet at hush-hush hotel rooms. They do not sing-nuzzle in front of the general public which includes the mother of one's child. These people are actors. They are paid to make you feel a certain way, and then other people wearing suits have learned to monetize that feeling. And what, you say, of Irina? Irina put her very beautiful stamp of approval on that Oscar performance. Look, they are friends.

Bradley Cooper, Lady Gaga, and a whole slew of well-paid publicists got the idea to torture the world with a well-done performance of genuine love from Old Hollywood and Jennifer Lawrence.

Let's break this down: Jennifer Lawrence is most well-known for playing Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, where she must put on a fake persona to survive. Jennifer Lawrence the Person learned how to Katniss in real life and we spent years under her spell. Jennifer Lawrence is good friends with Bradley Cooper, and I believe she taught him (remember he is an old man and she is a millennial) how to use the people's love and adoration to his advantage, for the sake of a Best Director Award and a Best Picture Award. He's been working on A Star Is Born for years, plenty of time to craft a narrative about his chemistry with Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga said she trusted Bradley to direct their Sunday night performance. The whole performance, from the curtain going up, to the stagehands placing the instruments, to the stage camera all up in their beautiful faces was planned and executed perfectly. Even their origin story about the first time they met is straight out of a movie. They are Katniss-ing us.

Do they love each other? Yes. Are they close? Yes. They are friends who care about and respect each other. They are also hot like lava and so we naturally want them to be together for sexy times because we saw how magical it was. But friends, this was a performance. The whole dang thing from origin story to their finale at the Oscars. I know they made you believe in love and you were floored by their chemistry and general too much hotness, but it's a lie designed to make you get an extra Diet Coke at the AMC to properly deal with your feelings.

America, Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga played you like a fiddle.

Additional Resources:
Lady Gaga Sets the Record Straight on Those Bradley Cooper Rumors
Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's Relationship is Actually 100% Normal
A Comprehensive Timeline of Brangelina
Is Jennifer Lawrence Katniss-ing Us?

Erin Moon